Thursday, December 17, 2009

T-minus two months!

Holy moley! I'm not sure how it happened but a whole month+ has flown by since I last posted. Sorry to all my faithful readers, I'm sure there are legions of you out there who are sooooo dissapointed by my lack of communication.

It's hard to believe almost. I feel as though nothing truely noteworthy has happened in the past weeks enough to warrant a post, and yet reading through my last one I realize that my state of being has changed dramatically. The funniest thing has happened to my sense of time; I feel like my existance has entered a state of stasis. Every day is pretty much the same routine. I'm savoring the little moments as they come. There is no longer this looming question mark as to my future and I feel like I can just enjoy my time home with my parents. Relief might be the proper word for it, but there are definite undernotes of peace, happiness, bordem, and restlessness in there too. Typical two-faced Gemini, if one part of me is happy, the other part(s) are just whining and looking forward to something else. As such, I feel as though each day is a continuium of distraction and focus, with the minutes, for some strange reason, passing more slowly than the hours.

As if to illustrate this fact, my mother reminded me this morning that it is exactly two months until I leave. The funny thing is that I spent the whole previous day shopping and crafting a x-mas present (which, due to it's super awesomeness and confidential nature, I can only say it concerns my not being here next year at this time), and all the time I was thinking about living overseas (and how great this present is going to be!). However, the biggest, most exciting significance of today in my head is that my sister comes home for Christmas break, not my countdown. It struck me as evidence of my state of mind right now. Zambia is totally in my head, and yet I'm not obsessing about it right now. This realization is HUGE for me! I, much to my chagrin, tend to daydream and romanticize the future, and it is a big step of personal growth that I am not allowing myself to go there. I think I know that my success in this venture is dependant on me not having any preconcieved notions or expectations. I already know that this is going to be unlike anything I have ever attemped before, and so I have forced myself to give up trying to imagine it. Instead, I am focusing on capturing moments that I can keep for the future and pull out when necessary (the good ones and the bad ones). I remind myself that I am not there to travel and vacation; I am going over there to work and live. Moreover, I keep trying to put things in persective, recognize moments as they come and acknowledge how I might be feeling six months in, 10 months, 20 months, ect. This is a long haul. I think my mind and body know this and they are forcing me to get as much emotional rest as possible.

Therefore, I pass the time now with things like making gingerbread houses and playing Candy Land. Am I regressing? Probably, but after my four years of undergrad, I feel like I deserve a little bit of a break from thinking and being responsible. AND, I know that I won't have this same opportunity once I start my big-girl job in a foreign country. So you see, I am in stasis. Recouping, recovering, regressing, and resting. I feel almost like a warrior meditating before battle, doing things like sharpening my sword and snatching up all of the fabulous holiday deals on extra bras and socks (I do feel bad for all those poor people leaving in August-ish. I've gotten some killer deals...)

As it is only a little over a week until Christmas, I have now finally allowed myself to get in the spirit. I'm not normally a big Christmas person. I find the holidays dark, stressful, gluttonus, and hypocritical. And cold. In many ways, I will be glad to not be here for the next two. I can only imagine how nice it will be to be in a place where x-mas is simple, loving, and more of what it's supposed to be, and not be assaulted with obnoxious music for the 45 days of Christmas. However, the time has come to celebrate. Mostly because I realized I only have about a week to finish all of my gifts that I have been making! Eeeek! (On a side note, you all should check out this movement called Advent Conspiracy. Totally sums up what my family has been trying to do by scaling back and buy used/sustainable gifts, and I love, love, love that other people are having the same idea. Plus the guy who got it started is in Portland! Way to rep counter-culture, west coast!) With that, I hope you all relish this holiday with your loved ones, remember those who have left, don't buy too much crap, and....umm, do something you've never done before to send off 2009 in a stylin' way. It's what I'll be doing any way. :D


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